i can't sleep.

insomnia has flared up again. it never really went away, but i've been keeping it at bay with various sedatives and sleeping pills for like a year now.

not every night, but often enough that on the nights i don't take anything....i lay awake listening to my heart race.

this has me worried enough to try to abstain, despite late night anxiety that threatens to swallow me whole.

lots of things going on, mostly around work. i don't feel like going into it now. all i know is that i'm really tired, in a long list of ways.

i'm trying to remind myself that almost everything that is worrying me is a high class problem.

it's funny, but it doesn't really make it any easier to think of it that way. seems like it should, no?

also, i miss my dad so badly it is sometimes hard to go on. it's not an option to do anything else, though. so mostly i just hurt. and ache. and miss him.

i don't feel like that's normal after this long. it's been almost 15 months since he died, and i still can't look at pictures of him without sobbing. there is a shelf in my bedroom with a couple of framed pictures of him and i have learned exactly how to stand while getting dressed so that i don't look at them. mostly they sit in the corner and i walk past them with a concerted effort to not pay attention.

i don't want to be that person. the one who lost someone and was never happy again. my dad would absolutely hate that this is what i've become.

i wish that were enough to just flip the switch back to happy. i would give anything for five for minutes with him.