i can't sleep and i'm feeling like i might choke and die on the loneliness that i'm swimming in.

lately it's been everywhere, all the time.

i don't know why i'm so bad at making. keeping. (wanting?) friends. there are wonderful and amazing people out there who try so hard to be my friend and i fear that i make it so impossibly hard and unrewarding that they have no choice but to fade away in a confused shrug. i wish i knew why, but maybe i'm not lonely for something i will find in another person.

i could go on guessing what my problem is, but i wouldn't even know if i stumbled onto a correct guess. so instead i'm going to go lay down and try to breathe through this anxiety. it's bad tonight. everything feels hopeless.

we bought a really nice new digital camera yesterday and all i can do is feel like it was way too much money and like i'm never going to learn to be responsible.

i don't know how true that really is. it could be the angst seeping through and making everything feel wrong.

maybe tomorrow it will be clearer.

oh and here's a shot i took with it today. we had a road trip on a beautiful day and even that couldn't shake the sad.