ok well. at least i'm home now. and it's friday.

i just spent an hour cleaning the kitchen, something my husband probably won't even notice. nevertheless, i'm hoping to use it as my leverage to get him to clean the living room and dining room table. it's way less work and it involves way less squickyness with moldy dishes and whatnot. so it's the least he can do. right?

i'm listening to the new brandi carlile cd and it's cheering me up considerably. not because it's full of happy songs, but because she's got such a lovely voice and these songs are so sweet and achey and divine.

also? my dog has decided that if she looks at me with her insane cuteness and gives me little squeaks, i will eventually read her mind and figure out that she wants me to put the blanket over her. it's a good thing that she's right. and also that at least one of us has opposable thumbs.

so when the husband gets home i think we're going for sushi and then to the super behemoth generic craft store that is around the corner. i've a hankering for trying something new. glass tile mosaics, maybe. or cross stitch. we'll just have to see. it's a wild and crazy roller coaster ride when you hook up with me, people! i could do anything!

i've been feeling incredibly impatient about getting pregnant again. it's just sort of hit me in the last few days. i was fine with waiting and settling in and letting my body recover from the nonstop miscarriage-o-rama it's been dealing with for the past two or three months. but it's been like 3 weeks and i think i'm finally starting to feel the emptiness. i should be getting ready for a baby. i should be bonding with a little one inside of me. instead i'm getting ready for more fucking shots and tests and blood draws and who knows? it could take me another two years to get pregnant again. or maybe i never will! wheee!

i am so very tired of this.

and the other day it occurred to me that my husband and i? we created two children. there were two little creatures with half his dna and half mine. and they ended up flushed down a toilet somewhere.

i'm sorry if that's graphic, but it's the painful reality i'm trying desperately to get over and i'm not really sure how.

and the world looks at us and sees a childless couple. and it's just. it's not true. we have two kids. had two kids.

didn't we?

i don't even know what to think anymore. they were never more than a mass of cells and tissue. they never developed a face or fingers or toes. one of them might have developed a teeny tiny little heart, but it never beat.

i don't want to get back on the utterly heart breaking merry go round of trying to get pregnant. it's just so. fucking. painful. the hope the disappointment the hope the disappointment. the craziness from being absolutely stuffed full of hormones and medications. the utter lack of a quality sex life. the anxiety. the excruciating wait to see if i develop eggs. then to see if i ovulate. then the sheer torture of waiting two weeks to see if anything took. the hope. the disappointment.

i don't want to do any of that ever again. just about the only thing i want to do less is give up.

and so it goes.

nothing to do for it but keep on breathing.