today my hcg was down to 2.4, so i'm now officially unpregnant.

also, i no longer have to go in every couple of days for blood draws, which is awesome both for my wallet and my poor, poor, black and blue arms.

as for next steps, i have to have a small procedure sometime in the next few weeks. depending on what they find, i could have to have surgery, or i could be fine and ready to try again with my next cycle.

so many unknows.

anyway, i'm doing okay with it all. with the exception of wanting to throttle the two (two!! holy shit i have a hard time believing one person could be this heartless, but two? at once?!) women in my infertility lab waiting room who decided it was a good idea to bring their toddlers with them. there i was. sitting and waiting for yet another blood draw to confirm that yes, i had indeed lost my second baby in about 6 weeks. and i got to be face to face with real, live reminders of what that loss was, and what i might never have.

and you know, it's hard enough to see babies and kids in every day life. at the grocery store, at a restaurant, walking down the street. but i know that's part of life and i can't exactly expect people to stop bringing their kids in public just because it's painful for me right now. honestly, though. the waiting room at an infertility clinic is a particularly brutal place to be, and it takes a special kind of insensitivity to rub it in like that. seriously, if you can't hire a babysitter or have a friend take your kids for an hour, maybe you shouldn't be trying for another one.

yeah, i know. i'm bitter. i don't think it will last. but for now, i feel entitled to it. and the hardest part of it this morning was when one of the moms called her little boy by name. and it was the boy's name andrew and i have picked out.

like a knife to the heart, i tell you.

in other non-reproductive news, i have that job interview a week from today. i also have a writing exercise they're making me do. i really really hate places that do that.

oh, and we got our taxes from the cpa. she wrangled some awesome deductions and so we owe less than we thought we might. still sucks to owe, and it REALLY sucks to be told that if we don't want to owe in the future, we have to have an additional THREE THOUSAND DOLLARS a year taken out of our paychecks. that's despite both of us already claiming zero exemptions. fucking taxes. gah.

so anyway. i dunno what else. the weather is beautiful lately and i'm trying to find the joy in it where i can.

there is just so much sad collecting in the creases.