i am really and truly ready for the suckage to stop any time.

i'm trying to deal with all sadness, but it seems to be accumulating like some sort of emotional katamari damacy ball.

i started sobbing in the shower today about my dad's motorcycle. of all things.

i mean, hello? miscarriage? lost baby? maybe i should be dealing with that? but there you have it. my dad's motorcycle crossed my mind, and the braid of my 7-year-old hair he had on the dash and how much it meant to him and how much he wanted me to have it and how someone just took it from me when my dad was barely cold.

and boom. sobbing in the shower. and crying all day about it, really. which is pretty lame when you think that it happened over 7 months ago. and i've had other sad things happen since then which should probably be emotionally dealt with but which, for some reason, don't seem to be at the front of the line.

the miscarriage is a sad thing. and i wonder if somethign is wrong with me that i'm not as sad as i'm probably supposed to be about it. i think maybe it never felt real. or if it did, it was fleeting and brief and the feeling didn't stick around enough for me to really grieve it now that it's gone.

i guess there's a pretty big part of me that feels like i'll never have a baby. that my body is too broken for whatever reason. that i'm not meant to get pregnant, and now that i've forced it to with medical intervention, my body is like oh helllll no! what part of "you're infertile" didn't you understand?.

so. for some reason, losing the baby isn't making me as sad as losing the closeness it fostered with my husband. and losing the sense of purpose that comes along with knowing you are a vessel for someone else.

and none of it is making me as sad as losing my dad and his damn bike.

honestly, i wish this part of my life would just hurry up and be over already. how long do things need to suck before the good part swings around again?