oy vey.

what a day.

work went to hell in all sorts of interesting and horrible ways. the highlight of which was talking to my boss about a coworker who is making me a little crazy, venting to her and getting her advice on how to deal with it, only to find that he was standing in the doorway listening the whole time. ooooops. that's going to be a fun mess to clean up.

*sigh*

i miss my dad so much it's hard to remember to breathe. hard to get my head around the fact that one year ago today, i was talking to him on the phone, crying with him about his diagnosis, vowing with him to fight it and making plans for all that we would do to make him better and healthy.

harder still to get my head around the fact that less than three months later he was dead.

i wish i could have known how little time we'd have. i would have said fuck it to all the medicine and doctor's appointments and stressing out and doing research and putting him through painful chemo and radiation. and i would have spent those last few months with him doing joyful things. i would have taken him to mexico. i would have seen movies with him. i would have gardened with him. i would have laughed with him.

which is mostly bullshit, since he was too weak to do much more than sit in a chair, and he wasn't able to be away from his feeding pump for more than a few minutes. but as long as we're fantasizing about a reality that can never be, me and my dad are going to be enjoying life and he's going to be healthy, dammit.

another thing about today that has sucked is that i'm pretty sure some of the emotional meltdown i've been having is pms. i'll know sometime in the next three days or so. but i'm pretty sure this month was a bust. another fucking bust.

which means another month of giving myself shots every night, and missing work for doctor's appointments every two days, and another month of being on this damn roller coaster ride.

so very tired of all of that. so very tired and sad. pms sucks hard enough without it also having to mean so much more.

god, let's just go back to vegas.