my boy is home and i'm not lonely any more! yay!

until the day after tomorrow. when he leaves again.

sigh. bigger sigh.

also. more doctor's appointments and more shots but who knows? maybe this will finally be the month.

so here's the explanation i've been holding onto for years. which, for the record, i only did because in the past i've had some folks who read me (maybe they still do, i have no idea) who didn't exactly wish me well. and i didn't feel like sharing something this personal and sad with them. because, i dunno. i've had people take things i write in here and then go back to their own diary and write horrible, mean-spirited, hurtful and unkind things about me, and about things i'm dealing with.

so, it's a bit of a risk to put this out here. i don't know if i could take someone using this to hurt me. it hurts so much already, is the thing. so here's hoping the meanies stay away.

anyway. here goes.

for two years we've been trying to have a baby, and we've been undergoing infertility treatment for about 18 months. i've taken clomid, estrogen, progesterone (three kinds!), ovidrel, follistim, metformin. i've tried evening primrose oil, swallowed more than my body weight in green tea, flaxseed oil, vitex and b vitamins.

if it could possibly make a person pregnant, i've taken it.

i've had no less than twenty ultrasounds (hooray! dildocams and cold lube!), an hsg (sooo f'n painful. i puked right there in the xray room, that's how bad it hurt), i've had intrauterine inseminations, i've had more than 30 vials of blood drawn, waken up EVERY GODDAMN MORNING FOR TWO YEARS AT 6AM to take my basal temperature, which then goes promptly on a chart for later examination. i've had classes on how to give myself shots, waded through pages of test results that were like trying to solve the Riemann hypothesis, and spent thousands of dollars for all of this lovely stuff.

and now i can add a miscarriage to the list.

i don't know why it's happening this way, but for now i have to believe it will all work at some point.

and i guess it better be soon, as the money will run out before too long. if none of this works, well....we'll cross that bridge when we come to it.

i guess i'd also sort of like to suggest that you read this before you comment on my situation. not that i don't trust you to be kind, it's just that even the most well-meaning people can say painful stuff without meaning to.

so anyway. this month's iui is friday...and the boy will be out of town! how does that work, you ask?

oh cryopreservation, how i love you.

yeah. if i conceive this month, it will be while my husband is halfway across the country. science is fucking weird, you guys.